Forgiveness - Fact, Fiction or Figment?
A recent article in the National Press, about the amazing way the parents of a murdered man responded to this terrible tragedy stopped me in my tracks.
Instead of decrying his, yet uncaught, murderers, and calling for retribution, they took a completely different stand. They went into print to say that they forgave his killers! Can you imagine it? Could you, just a few days after a gang of muggers brutally murdered your son, speak to the press and say that you forgave them? Thankfully, I have never been in this awful position but I think I would have great difficulty doing the same thing. Forgiveness may be a laudable concept but is it really possible?
Yet what are the alternatives? Hatred, resentment, even revenge! How does that help the person I have lost or me? I once read an article that said, when we don’t forgive, we condemn ourselves to a life sentence as well as those our anger is directed against! Now if that doesn’t stop you in your tracks, consider the consequences. There is more and more evidence coming out about the self-destructive effects of negative emotions. Our immune system is suppressed and our blood pressure increased, and that’s just for starters. Perhaps holding on to such feelings should carry a government health warning!
So what is forgiveness? Surely, it is more than an intellectual concept. If we truly forgive, then must not we behave in particular ways? I have been thinking about it and it seems to be that “letting go” is at the heart of forgiveness. I have often witnessed friends and family say that they forgive a friend or loved one for some slight or insult, and then they keep talking about it at every opportunity to anyone who would listen! This does not feel like forgiveness to me!
Up to now, I have been talking about forgiveness directed towards other people, but how about applying it to ourselves! Guilt is something that we have all felt at some time or another yet it seems to me that it is purely the product of a lack of self-forgiveness. If we keep beating ourselves up for making a bad decision in the past how does this help us? Surely, we need to learn the lesson and move on.
Ok, by now you may be thinking, I really do need to practice forgiveness but I don’t know how. Well don’t worry, you are in good company. There are numerous different exercises and approaches to forgiveness and we don’t have time to cover them all here but I will share one that I find particularly useful. It comes from the Ancient Hawaiian healing tradition called Hoona.
In your minds eye, imagine a stage or podium. Now invite onto that stage anyone who has caused you injury, insult, disappointment, hurt or grief, one at a time. As each person comes onto the stage, take your time and visualise him or her in as much detail as you can. Now imagine a cord coming from your solar plexus, connecting you to the person on stage. Imagine sending pure love and forgiveness down that cord and after doing that, see yourself cutting the cord and allowing the connection with the other person to draw back into yourself. Feel the sense of release that accompanies this act. Allow the possibility that you may re-connect with this person in a new and better way now or in the future. Repeat this process for everyone you want to invite onto the stage and don’t forget that you are allowed to do this process with yourself too!
Forgiveness is simple but it is not easy! I believe that the benefits are enormous but that we need to practice it on a daily basis, starting with ourselves. If we practice enough the process becomes habitual and we can repeat the benefits in terms of better health, better relationships and more energy.
Gavin Meikle www.inter-activ.co.uk
Gavin Meikle is a trainer, coach and speaker based in Alton, England. He is an NLP trainer and also runs retreats in the beautiful town of Cazorla in northern Andalucia, Spain
http://www.spanish-reflections.co.uk
